Reflect back upon a conversation that went very well. Think about the nature of the conversation and the people involved. Think about how everyone acted and reacted throughout the course of the conversation. Keep those images in mind.
Now reflect back on a conversation that went very poorly. Again, think about the topic, the people, what was said, how it was said, how people reacted… Now compare the two sets of mental images. What’s different?
When you pair up all the bits and pieces, one core factor should emerge: trust. Sure, there are many other factors involved in healthy (or unhealthy) communication, but trust binds it all together. If there’s no mutual trust, the message fails.
Trust is a highly emotional element behind every aspect of communication. It can’t be forced upon anyone, but it can be freely granted; it can take a very long time to build it, but it can be easily destroyed. The quickest, easiest means of building trust in communication is to remember two core rules:
- Never make anything about a topic or issue personal.
- Never take anything about a topic or issue personally.
Especially in stressful situations, communication can become unintentionally personal. By keeping your focus on the topic or issue and not on the emotional factors surrounding them, you can better get your point across and better understand the crux of the matter. Your focus on the subject or issue and your avoidance of entertaining the emotional padding builds trust in you among those you’re interacting with. They may not like your position, but after the smoke clears from even the most heated conversation your contribution will be remembered for its focus on the matter at hand.
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Some good points here.
Hi Bill,
I read on Harvard Biz this week that we don’t get angry because people have a different opinions than ours, but because they misunderstand our opinion.
“You don’t hear what I’m saying!!!!”
I try to accept that I will be understood and misunderstood.
Sometimes it’s hard, but I’m getting there. slooooooooooowly
Ivan
Beijing
Good advice, Bill. But depending on the topic, it may be difficult if not impossible for some people to follow.
For me, trust can’t exist without a personal connection. I hold my distrust in abeyance until people sway me one way or the other. If they take the time to establish a personal connection, I’m much more tolerant when negative communications occur.
It’s very simple to say, “Don’t take it personally.” But you have no control over other people’s reactions. You do have control over yourself, however. Don’t behave insensitively, and you’ll rarely have to worry about offending someone. The responsibility for clear communication lies with the person giving the communication, not the person receiving it.
It can be difficult for people who are honest and direct in their communication to understand that their behavior might be viewed as inconsiderate and even cruel by those who value tact. Before you speak, ask yourself how it will sound if someone *does* take it personally, and adjust accordingly.